Does the Y chromosome make you unable to think about others?

My partner travels about 50% of the month. It's OK with me for several reasons. One is that he has ADD so whenever he is gone I can be as compulsive and obsessive as any mother of a 3 year old is allowed. The surprises are reduced significantly (as in Surprise! The milk was left out all night long (again), or Surprise! The flame on the stove has been left on all day or Surprise! There's no more (insert common household item here) and you'd better get creative cause you still need to pack a lunch). The possibilities are endless. The second reason is that I've been pretty self-sufficient and independent for a long time and grew up in a household with a parent present only about 25% of the time. And thirdly he is an absolute slob. So when he said that he'd agreed to put up his 16 year old twin nieces for 3 weeks in our already overcrowded 1100 square foot house I was understandably reticent. The week & the weekend before their arrival he was out of town. I caught a monster cold and had no relief for a full 7 days, plus had looming pressure of important deadlines at work and no way to get any extra time in at the office. I was, understandably, stressed. I had asked for the schedule for this 3-week-visit about a dozen times (not an exaggeration, this is life with someone with ADD, you can ask, but you are unlikely to receive) and had not had a chance at all on the weekend to get any groceries in the house. So I left work a little early on Monday hoping to get a few things done before the arrival of the nieces and he calls me while I'm in the car to say that he's going to get dinner ready for the girls & was planning to put chicken on the grill & then head to Trader Joe's for food for them for the week. I reminded him that I'm a vegetarian and probably wouldn't eat the chicken and asked what he was planning to get for his family for the week. Nothing- this is just a trip for the girls. Then my eyeballs exploded out of their sockets and I saw red and just lashed into him. How inconsiderate. And I was reminded of an evening at the end of a long weekend when he & I and our 12 month old were at the grocery store and I was so very tired I coul barely think and he walks up to me & announces that he's found something for himself, we can go now. He just presumed that the kid's menu was my responsibility, like he assumed that it's my job to make sure there is food in the house for the family and despite him making dinner, he wasn't about to make the effort to make something that we all (including me) could eat. Just didn't occur to him at all. Is it the ADD? Is it the y chromonsome? I checked in with my sister and she said her husband does the same thing. Comes home with a bag of groceries for himself, without calling to see if she needs anything at home. Her husband doesn't have ADD, but he does have the Y chromosome...

Dear Joan Letter

Dear Joan,

My daughter, your son's daughter, is now at an age where she asks a lot of questions. She is completely observant of her world and capable of expressing many facets of emotion. Your presence is confusing to her. Who is this woman who periodically shows up at my house? Why doesn't she engage with me? Why is my mom so tense when she comes? Momma, did she hurt your feelings? She doesn't know you as a grandmother, she doesn't know you as part of her world. Do I answer her questions honestly, " This lady is not our friend. In addition to being a bitter, jealous gossip who spreads lies (yes, Joan everyone you complain to about me tells Greg what you have said, your daughter included, and he shares everything with me), on the 3rd day of your life she passed out drunk with you in her arms, she is abusive to her grandson and she is an inconsiderate, narcissist who is unable to relate to another person. She is too self involved to be trusted with a child. And if that isn't enough to convince you, she is happy to see your home, all that you have known for your short life, taken away from you in her fit of greed and vindictiveness."

I think you will agree that it's best for everyone if you just stay away from my child and home. You were allowed in on Saturday as a nod to Shannon, who probably doesn't know how horrible you truly are, but I'm not feeling so forgiving any more as I see what your presence does to my child.