Baggage

My partner's mother is a pathological liar and a narcissist. She turned 70 last year but didn't want her kids to throw her a party because she didn't want to have to admit to being 70. She's told her friends she's 65 or something.

My own mom wasn't a shining example of loving kindness or sanity, so I have to admit I have been on the lookout for a mom substitute. When my father's girlfriend moved in with my dad, my sister and I (I was 15 and my sister 13), I thought this might be an opportunity to get a mom, but she was, "done raising kids and certainly not interested in raising 2 teenage girls." So she made a lot of noise about wanting to move out for several months and I finally started packing her stuff for her. My father was appalled, but in retrospect, I had obviously reached my limit on letting these women in only to be let down and needed to find some way to feel in control of the situation. She finally did move out, but I felt betrayed by both my father and her. They married after I had moved out of the house and made it difficult for my sister to feel comfortable living with them. Years later when my sister & I had taken on the role of alternate caregivers for my father, my now-"stepmom" (I referred to her a my father's wife, since stepmom implied so much more than she was ever willing to be) expressed a huge amount of gratitude for our help in spite of how she had treated us when we were young. Implied was remorse, I think, but she never really apologized and I'm not the type to forgive easily anyway.

I've always adopted my boyfriend's family, befriending the mom, dad and assorted siblings and their extended family members. Several times the families contacted me after a breakup and told me I was still welcome to be part of their family, despite the end of my relationship with their son. It was nice to hear, impossible to execute. Once I hit my late 20s, the situation changed dramatically, suddenly I was a real threat to these momma's boys. I wasn't interested in getting married, not really interested in kids until I had finished my college education (which took decades, literally!) but I still wanted a relationship. I thought it was just uptight midwest religious stirrings, these moms who hated me on sight. Maybe because I hailed from California? Maybe because I was divorced? Maybe because I slept with their sons and didn't feel guilt? Whatever the reason I was shunned by these women and never made to feel comfortable in their lives. So I returned to California, alone and ready to find my family.

My partner told me that his mother and father were estranged for many years, living in the same house, but living separate lives, so he was her date most of the time while he was growing up. And, oh by the way, none of his girlfriends got along with her and she hated them on sight. So I was on a mission to make her like me. I was going to be different. I welcomed his mother into our relationship with open arms. She was invited to stay with us whenever and wherever we were. We traveled together. Valentine's evening and you've got no place to go? No problem come and be with us. Mi casa es su casa. Then we decided to have a baby. When we told her we were pregnant her face fell, she was completely unable to hide her dismay.

I could recite chapter and verse all the crazy things she's done and said since that day, but will forgo the exercise. Sufice it to say I have had to excise her from my life and maintain a very lengthy distance between her and my daughter since I feel she's in danger in the pesence of her "grandmother." It's apparent that she has treated both of her children badly, yet they continue to forgive and go back for more abuse. That is what I don't understand. I am easily spooked and when I see evidence of abuse, whether it's physical or emotional, I withdraw to the furthest corner. When the abuse continues I walk away. I don't care if it's someone that I loved or someone whose genes I share. I cannot, will not accept that sort of behavior and certainly wouldn't expose my own child to the possibililty of the abuse being sent her way. My own mother failed miserably in that area and I refuse to repeat the mistake. I'm just not sure how to make my partner see that his own mother is abusive. Is it enough for me to protect myself and my daughter?