life on a tuesday

I decided to go back to weight watchers. Actually I've been thinking about it for a while. I just can't do this on my own and am tired of being the fattest girl I know. So I had a work-from-home day today & I just went. The leader was nice and the reminders are great. I plan to go to as many meetings as I need to stay on track. I know the whole diet industry is anti-feminist and the psychobabble about not meeting societal expectations is patriarchal control, but I hate the way I look, and that is mine. I hate being so out of control and that is mine. I hate feeling this way and that, too, is mine. I am trying to do something for me, so this is one step. The other is calling a therapist. I've fallen into a hole of indecision and blackness and really want out!!!

I used to be the fun girl. The one everyone called to go out and laugh with. I used to be happy & funny and witty. I always thought that when I died they'd say, "Well she really knew how to live." I've lost that. I know she existed cuz I've checked with people who have known me for many years. They concur. No one says I'm a drag now, filled with negativity, sarcasm and cynicism, anger and bleakness. No one confronts my obvious lack of enthusiasm for this life. No one calls me on my shit. I call bullshit. I call bleakness. I call negativity. And I banish them. Go away now, be gone with you. I'm ready to live again.

Home is a 4 letter word.

I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat everything in reach. In spite of my irritation with GB I don't feel like stuffing my face. His locking the door so I get locked out is, in my opinion, his way of convincing me to put a spare key somewhere so his irresponsible key losing is less of an inconvenience for him. Talk about passive aggressive. I really just don't want to live with him anymore. I find his habits & habitual forgetting to be a royal pain in the ass, creating more work and forcing me to expend unnecessary energy. The dog barking at 2am cuz he forgot to put her out. Annoying, energy consuming by the sleep deprivation. Is that it, is he on a mission to torture me- sleep deprivation, constantly doing the opposite of what I ask, ignoring my pleas for change, disregarding my opinions, losing shit all the time? It's working. I confess- I HATE LIVING WITH HIM!!!! And I'm starting to hate him.