life on a tuesday

I decided to go back to weight watchers. Actually I've been thinking about it for a while. I just can't do this on my own and am tired of being the fattest girl I know. So I had a work-from-home day today & I just went. The leader was nice and the reminders are great. I plan to go to as many meetings as I need to stay on track. I know the whole diet industry is anti-feminist and the psychobabble about not meeting societal expectations is patriarchal control, but I hate the way I look, and that is mine. I hate being so out of control and that is mine. I hate feeling this way and that, too, is mine. I am trying to do something for me, so this is one step. The other is calling a therapist. I've fallen into a hole of indecision and blackness and really want out!!!

I used to be the fun girl. The one everyone called to go out and laugh with. I used to be happy & funny and witty. I always thought that when I died they'd say, "Well she really knew how to live." I've lost that. I know she existed cuz I've checked with people who have known me for many years. They concur. No one says I'm a drag now, filled with negativity, sarcasm and cynicism, anger and bleakness. No one confronts my obvious lack of enthusiasm for this life. No one calls me on my shit. I call bullshit. I call bleakness. I call negativity. And I banish them. Go away now, be gone with you. I'm ready to live again.