The Anatomical Lie

I'm in mourning. I'm greiving over the loss of trust, love, faith, lust, joy. the loss of a relationship, that, while pretty bumpy, seemed to be on the upswing. I'm sure he lied to spare me. Doesn't everyone? No one ever lies to make themselves look better, or to avoid an uncomfortable situation that they simply don't want to deal with. Liars tell lies because it's good for the the person they are lying to. They are doing us a favor. They are protecting us. From our own inability to deal with the truth. The truth might make us angry or sad or righteous. And we wouldn't want to inspire any sort of negative emotion, for after all, the liars love us.

And the little, caught lies are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. So that makes me sadder still. That even when I felt the trust, faith, love, lust and joy these feelings were all a result of the propogation of lies that I chose to ignore. And maybe it wasn't all lies, but maybe it was a little bit of truth sprinkeld with half-truths, or semblances of reality, or omissions of detail, whatever the current catchphrase for it is today.

I'm sure it was all my fault since I am so prone to fits of rage and raw emotion. That I offer my opinion, no matter how dissenting, no matter how annoying, no matter who might not like what I have to say. I say what I see and sometimes, most of the time these days, it's ugly. My rage wells up in me like a boil, about to burst forth, straining at the skin. And when I can't restrain myself any longer I explode and spew venomous bile and it's a scary sight to behold. And even then I am holding back just a bit, for if I were to let it all go, would I be able to return from the abyss that carries my anger?

His insistance that he loves me feels abusive. My emotional and physical whithdrawal feels abusive. All that I didn't want to teach my daughter is happening. How did I manage to get myself into the very situation I hoped so desperately to avoid? My daughter is going to grow up not knowing that 2 adults can love, like, lust after one another. She will think that they are adversaries instead of teammates, that there is always an underlying tension when they are in the same room, the same house, the same state. That there is no hope. Sad, very sad.