I don't do resolutions but think it is important to reflect back over the year. I haven't had much desire to write lately, but woke this morning knowing that it was the last day of break and not knowing when I'd have the chance again and NEEDED to write. So I thought I'd break it up into several posts, something along the lines of: relationship, health, professional, financial. I'll start with relationships.
This year I fell completely out of love with my partner. We were already on precipitous ground, with the foundation chipped away by his ADD, or rather my inability to cope with his ADD, parenthood (which put such an immense strain on ours, don't know about everyone else, but DAMN that was a tough one!), his mother. On my birthday I was given several gifts, if you want to call them that. The first was the realization that he had lied about where he'd spent Valentine's day afternoon, which as it turned out, was with his mother. The second was a trip to several doctors offices with my daughter who had gotten hit with a toy at school & had a terrible shiner. The third was that he was out of town- oblivious to the fact that it was my birthday.
Late in 2008 I caught him in a lie about something to do with his mother and told him that if he lied to me again it was over. I would not tolerate him lying to me. So this seemingly innocent lie was, on the surface, not such a big deal, but when examined against the backdrop of our relationship it was the straw that broke this ol' camel's back.
I tried to maintain some semblance of calm, but it's really not in my nature to just blow shit off. I need to vent. So when I did it was a big blow up. He justified his actions by saying that he knew he would have gotten shit from me about spending the time with his mother, so chose to lie about it, you know, for my own good, to keep me from being upset. Ironically my stance on him spending time with his mother is that she lies to him and says terrible things about me, so why would he want to spend time with someone like that? If it was anyone but his mother he'd have ended the relationship long ago. So I don't begrudge him the time, have in the past encouraged him to do things with her, but after all the crap she's pulled in the last 2 years I just don't get the attraction.
Next I discovered that he had met some woman on a plane and really "connected" with her. This through snooping in his e-mails where I discovered his correspondence with her had been deleted from the To and Send bins, which he's really not usually organized enough to do, so he was obviously trying to hide this from me. But he didn't empty the Deleted bin and so that's where I found the evidence. It was a high-tech flashback to a day when I was married to my junkie, abusive husband and looking through the garbage and got stuck by a needle that had been tossed in the trash. Similar motivation on my part- just need to know the truth- and similar results- I get punished. So one evening we were having a discussion about how he was making such a big effort to tell the truth (who knew it was so fucking hard?). In fact he was trying to convince me that he should be believed and in response I was citing all the lies that I knew about, which if you've ever lived with a liar know these to be only the surface of a whole lot of bullshit. He stated that he knew I looked at his e-mails and he was the model of "complete transparency" at which point I confronted him on the deleted e-mails. His reaction was to smile and go "Oh yeah, those. Thought I'd gotten rid of that. Guess I'm busted." Not an ounce of remorse, just a funny moment for him.
So in 2010 we are sleeping in separate bedrooms. I have repeatedly asked that he not touch me, or try to kiss me or make comments about my body, which he has repeatedly ignored and continues to molest me and make comments. It makes me want to vomit.
I don't think there is much hope here and know that some resolution must be found or I am going to go out of my mind.
I have continued to maintain the stance that I will not be around his mother and have requested that my daughter be similarly constrained. In retaliation his sister has stated that her family will not participate in anything his mother isn't invited to and has made it impossible for my partner to see his nephew and nieces. Lovely. I've caused WWIII with my personal decision to keep away from crazy. But it's good to know that I will likely not have to be around his family AT ALL, if this is the way it's going to go. I had a momentary thought of burying the hatchet and making amends (because I'm the one who has shit all over his family, right?) and then thought about it some more. His sister has really never put anything into the equation- she's not supportive, she's kind of a whack job, she espouses values of lying and deceit, greed and consumerism and her kids are about as fucked up as they come, so why do I want a relationship with these people? I don't. And I don't want my child to be influenced by their crap either. I decided that there is no need to worry about whether they participate or not. Not is better.
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